Skip navigation

The weekend after Easter, my sister was due to race in her very first triathlon. It was the Las Vegas Iron Girl Triathlon and happened to be an all girls event.  800+ women swimming, biking, and running all in one central location? Being single, I obviously made it a priority to go down to Vegas and watch my sister in the race. Well it ended up being a bit more interesting than I had planned for.

So I stop by the party supply store on the way down to find loud, obnoxious, noise makers (aside from myself) to help cheer on my sister as the race is going on. After grabbing a few air horns, a blow up trophy, a gold medal, and a few other obnoxious noise makers we head off down to Vegas.

The next morning we get up early and head down to Lake Las Vegas for the race. We arrive about 30 minutes before the race, but everyone is already lined up and ready to start. As I scan the crowd of athletes I hear my sister yelling for me and spot her waving her arms. I wave her over to the fence to talk with her for a few minutes before the race starts. Filled with excitement and adrenaline she tells me where her transition spot is located and where I will be able to watch her. Just before she turns to go back into the starting group, she says “Look for Mandy’s Dad in the crowd. He wanted to say hi to you. Mandy and her Mom and sister are doing the tri too.”

Mandy? Mandy who? OH CRAP!! Mandy!!! I had totally forgotten that an old high school girlfriend from Ramona had been training with my sister for the triathlon and was going to be running the race too. (It also didn’t help that I have dated 3 different girls named Mandy.) I walk back and climb up on the wall that I had picked out to watch the start of the race from. Just as I climb up, I hear, “Craig! How are you?!” I look down and there is Mandy’s father with an outstretched hand. I smile nervously and jump down off the wall. Shaking his hand I say hello. The next thing out of his mouth should have been a sign that things were only going to get more awkward.

“Nikki said you were coming. Have you met Mandy’s husband? He is here taking pictures of Mandy and the group. He is wearing a pink t-shirt. I’ll make sure I introduce you two before the day is over. My wife and daughter Paige are running. Make sure you look for them too!”

“Yeah, I’ll make sure I look for them.” I say nervously while frantically scanning the crowd for any pink. Mandy and I dated off and on for about 5 years. Basically all through high school and a little bit into our freshman year at college.  I hadn’t seen her since before I left on my mission which was back in 1997. I knew she had gotten married since I last saw her. (Let’s be honest, everyone my age has.) I don’t recall things ending badly, but knowing how I was back then, I knew I probably wasn’t very sympathetic towards her feelings. Clearly, this was going to be an awkward situation for me once the race was over.

The race starts and Nikki is killing it. She started towards the front of the pack for the swim. Being that every girl racing had a pink swim cap, it didn’t exactly calm my nerves while the race was going on. All the girls had now entered the water and started the swim portion of the race. I move down to the beach so I can see the girls come out of the water and run towards the transition area. As I do, I look over my shoulder and see Mandy’s father standing behind me. I casually make conversation with him to pass the time. A few minutes later the first girl emerges out of the water and starts heading towards the transition area. I divert my attention back to the race and see Nikki climbing out of the water. She is the 8th person out of the water! Stoked to see my sister, I totally forget that I have all the noise makers with me and I start yelling and taking pictures.

Racing up the beach

I quickly turn and sprint up the beach, through the hotel, and out to the parking lot where the transition area is. As I sprint, I start using the noise makers. Ironically, my sister couldn’t hear me. I was too far away. But the crowd was parting like the Red Sea as I blasted the air horn. I arrive at the transition area just in time to watch her jump on her bike and ride away. With a huge smile on my face I turn and see Mandy’s dad behind me once again. So I decide to stay and cheer with him. He quickly tells me of a good spot to watch the race and we start to walk, making small talk all the while. A decent amount of time passes and my nerves have calmed down. I start to realize he doesn’t hate me for hurting his daughter’s feelings. As we talk I am reminded of how much I enjoyed being around her family. Like with so many of my past girlfriends, I had a great relationship with Mandy’s parents. They were always very kind and welcoming to me.  So let’s fast forward to the end of the race…

Nikki finishes in 7th place for her division and 58th over all out of 800+ tri-athletes. She killed it! I have always been proud of my sister and this day was no different. Then after going and congratulating her I see Mandy running across the finish line. My heart drops. Fantastic… No avoiding this now. Nikki walks over and gives her a hug. I quickly try to blend in but to no avail. Mandy runs over and gives me a hug. I congratulate her on her finish and then quickly divert the attention to my sister. Being the awesome sister she is, she picks up the conversation and carries on about the race. A few minutes pass and Mandy decides to go sit at the finish line for her mom and sister. This is when Nikki decides to inform me of a conversation the girls had while waiting for the race to start.

As the girls start to line up for the race, each one starts to tell each other who is coming to cheer for them. Nikki informs a few of the girls that I am coming to cheer her on. Mandy turns and says, “Craig is coming?!”

Nikki smiles and says, “Yes, Craig will be here.”

Mandy then turns to the other girls and says, “I haven’t seen Craig for at least 10 years.”

With the other girls a bit confused, Nikki informs them that Mandy and I dated for a little while. Nikki laughs nervously. Another girl pipes up and asks Mandy, “Oh! Did you send him on his mission?” 

“No, I don’t remember what happened but he was dating someone else.”  She smiles and says, “Yeah, we dated “a little while.” It only took me 6 YEARS to get over him.”

FANTASTIC! So here I am thinking Mandy’s parents hate me for hurting her feelings, when they couldn’t care less. Mandy on the other hand seems to be feeling a little different. I turn to see where Mandy is and then her father comes up and we start chatting. He congratulates Nikki and then spots Mandy. He walks over to Mandy and they start talking. I turn to Nikki and start to explain what happened between Mandy and I. How I remember her coming to me in class one day and saying she was dating a guy but didn’t know if she could get over how bald he was. We get a good laugh and just then a bald guy in a pink shirt walks up and congratulates Nikki. Yep… it was Mandy’s husband. I introduce myself to him. Mandy spots her husband talking to me and sprints over.

“I’m so sorry John. I didn’t introduce you to Craig. John this is Craig. Craig this is John.” says Mandy.

“Yeah we just met.” said John.

“But this is Craig.” Mandy says while staring at John.

“Yeah… I know. I just met him.” John says puzzled.

“No! This is CRAIG!” Mandy says stronger.

“Yep… This is Craig.” John says absolutely clueless.

I say with a smile, “Mandy and I dated “a little while” through high school.”

John looks at me, then back at Mandy then says, “OH!! This is CRAIG!

I laugh and say, “Well I think we all know my name! Anyone need help with my name?!”

The conversation basically died right there. It was fantastic! Nikki and I left smiling while Mandy and John discussed my name. The race finished and I congratulated Mandy’s mom and sister, chatted with them for a bit and said goodbye to everyone. As I helped Nikki get her things, we passed by Mandy and John. I reached over shook his hand and told him it was nice to finally meet him. I turn to Mandy, give her a huge hug and while doing it, look up at John. He gives me an awkward smile. I turn to Mandy and tell her it was good seeing her then wink at her without thinking. She instantly blushes and starts to walk away. I help Nikki load her gear and then spend the afternoon laughing about the whole race. Nikki killed it and so did I. And thus ends the Awkward Tri.

Advertisements

I love sports. I love playing sports and I love watching them. I’m a huge San Diego fan. As expected, the Padres and Chargers are my teams. But as any fan knows, every team has their ups and downs. San Diego is no different and has struggled since the late 90’s. I don’t know how long it takes to get back up, but I keep telling myself that it will happen eventually. They cant suck THAT bad for too much longer can they?! 

Well on my recent trip to San Diego for Easter weekend, we decided to go to the Padres game on Friday night. We had amazing seats: front row above the Padres dugout. You just can’t get any better. It is a whole new game when you sit that close at a major league game. You feel like you are on the team and I was no different. I felt like I was on the Padres that night. It was the bottom of the 9th and we were down by 2 runs. I had my rally cap on and like any good teammate would do, I started to heckle the opposing team’s pitcher.  Madson was his name. He’s the closer for the Phillies. Madson was having some trouble with control that night. He threw a few wild pitches and even bounced a few in the dirt. I felt like I was getting to him. Then my phone started to ring with text messages. Contained in one of the messages was this video:

Now all of San Diego thinks I was yelling at Hudson who was up to bat and not Madson.

Have you ever sent a text message to the wrong person? Ever received a text message that was not meant for you? Just the other day I was the beneficiary of a text message from a person that I do not know. She had quite the problem on her hands. I would relay the story but I think that the actual text messages explain it a LOT better than I ever could. So here it is exactly copied from my phone:

Unknown : “Hey babe i just $#** a little in my pants. could you swing by with some underwear for me? thanks! Ill tell you about it later. hahaha”

Me: “Sorry to hear you $#** your pants, but who is this?”

Unknown: ” youre kidding right?! its your wife Stacey!”

Me: “Nope, not kidding. Im not married to you Stacey. You may want to check the number, or if you want I can forward it to your husband. What is his number?”

Stacey: “I feel like the biggest @$$hole right now. Im sorry. I really didnt $#** my pants. I was joking about that. hahaha”

Me: “Hahaha! 🙂 I thought you were going to tell me the story later! Did you still want me to forward the text to your husband? Sounds like a bit of an issue.”

Stacey: “Well im kinda allergic to hot peppers and i went to betos and then i proceeded to try to sit in my chair when i got back to work and i might have sharted. hahaha. and now im telling this to a complete stranger. yeah i need a drink. haha!”

Me: “hahaha! Yeah Betos will do that to ya! 🙂 Maybe you should have your husband bring you a drink too.”

Stacey: “By the way, what is your name? I mean you know mine and the fact that i just let you in on a huge secret hahaha!”

Me: “Lets be honest, if you really did shart, its no secret. Anyone that walks by will smell that! 🙂 But you do have a good point. It’s Craig. So did you ever get a hold of you husband? Im glad you have a good sense of humor about it though. Ive had a good laugh from you today.”

Stacey: “Well im glad you got a laugh! My boss came past my office and asked what the hell that smell was. I had to lie and say i stepped in dog $#**. haha im going to hell.”

Me: “well only 30 more min and you can go wash the dog $#** off of your shoe…. or out of your pants. :)”

Stacey: ” Haha! Thats true. And i just happened to be wearing a skirt so i was super paranoid of it running down my leg the rest of the day. Sorry, too graphic. lol.”

Me: ” Sounds like you had more of a blowout than a shart. You might want to stay away from Betos in the future. ”

Stacey: ” Yeah or sue the $#** out of them so we are even. haha”

Me: ” Dont know how far that will get ya. They make a living out of giving people the runs.”

Stacey:” hahaha! got ya! Yeah, thats true those bastards!”

So that was the end of the conversation for the day. But the next day I made sure to send her a text right before lunch… 🙂

Me: “Dont worry, ive got you covered today. I brought an extra pair of underwear for ya if you want betos again for lunch.”

Stacey: “Damn that! Ill never eat there again. But thank you! hahaha!”

I think Stacey will be paying a bit more attention to the number she is sending a text to. Especially when the content of the message is a bit embarrassing.

So as many of you know, I am living the dream as a bachelor. Fantastic times with fantastic roommates… and the joy is endless. I have three roommates currently who all need a description to truly understand the circumstances. One is a bit of a hermit yet coaches a swim team at a nearby high school and spends his spare time watching the endless amounts of Family Guy reruns. (I am 100% sure that Family Guy will have a rerun on at any given time during the day. It’s quite impressive and annoying at the same time.) The owner of the home owns a used car dealership and pirates anything and everything that can be illegally downloaded. His collection grows everyday and is quite impressive as far as the magnitude is concerned. He and the Black Pearl (his computer) have gotten into a bit of trouble at SLCC. He has been targeted as the single largest bandwidth user in the entire school, INCLUDING THE SERVERS. Like I said, quite impressive. And my last roommate is an interesting guy. He’s been living the dream as an EFY counselor during the summer. In his spare time he likes to watch Project Runway, What Not to Wear, and stencil on his wall or find new smelly candles and bath salts for his bathroom.

Well this recent event seems to be in the top 5 of favorite things that have ever happened to a roommate.  Being that one roommate owns a car dealership, bath salt boy thought it would be a great opportunity to get a beautiful, bright blue Kia. ( on a side note, I’ve always found it interesting that a car company named itself after the acronym meaning “Killed In Action.” Good thing the car company doesnt make a car that goes faster than 45mph due to poor styling and a horrible engine and no one will EVER get any action in a Kia.) Sorry, back to the story… So when you buy a new car the car is then given a temporary license plate until the real one arrives. Well the car was never registered and the temporary license plate had expired.

On his way into work a Utah Highway Patrol pulled him over for an expired registration. Much to the satisfaction of the UHP officer, my roommate had an outstanding warrant for an unpaid speeding ticket. So the officer approaches the vehicle and asks the roommate to step out of the car and proceeds to handcuff him and walk him back to the car. On the long and lonely walk back to the squad car, Black Pearl’s girlfriend drives by and sees what is happening. She quickly pulls over and speaks with the officer. The officer states that she can follow them down to the county jail and post bail for him and he will be released immediately. Unfortunately, she did not have her credit card with her so she was unable to post bail. She calls her boyfriend and explains what is happening as the cop then drives away with sad puppy dog eyes peering out of the tempered glass of a squad car. He agrees to leave work and post bail for him.

While all this is going on, myself and the other roommate are at work going about our day as if it was any other day, so obviously I was wasting too much time on Facebook. As I am reading the results of my “wedding day” quiz, a chat window pops up. It’s the Black Pearl’s girlfriend explaining what happened. As I wipe away the tears of laughter a scene from the TV show, The Office, pops into my mind. The end of a recent episode shows Kevin talking to Oscar.

Kevin: “Oscar, you would like jail.”

Oscar: “Why?”

Kevin: “Oh you dont know about jail? You would really like jail.”

Oscar: “Why would I like jail? Are you implying that I would like jail because im gay?”

Kevin with a goofy smile and nodding: “You would REALLY, REALLY like jail.”

So there I was, laughing at my poor roommate in jail, thinking he “would REALLY like jail.” Well unknown to me till around 12:00pm the roommate who promised to go bail him out had been caught up at work and was not going to be able to go down until later in the day. At that point, I had watched the end of the office episode so many times that I couldnt see straight from all the tears of laughter. The day was soon over and I found myself sitting on the couch in our living room anxiously awaiting the arrival of our new ex-convict roommate. The door opens and a flood of questions come to my mind. “How was your day?” “Did you REALLY like jail?” “Did you make new friends?” “Did you become a big, bad man’s girlfriend?” “How was the food?” “Were the clothes tailored to your specifications and were they color coordinated or did they clash?” As I finally chose the ever important one liner, he walked in head hanging low, and immediately walked down to his bathroom, closed the door, and started to run a bath for himself. I had missed my opportunity trying to pick the best question! I had been too slow to cease the once in a lifetime opportunity. So instead I decided to write the blog. He has since seen the silver lining in the day he was given the opportunity to live an alternative lifestyle, and shared the experience as he was teaching Sunday School in our church.

I still do not know all the details of what took place that day, however I guess he “really DID like jail!”

Maybe I’m heartless, but still you have to find the humor in this…

So I’m on my way into work yesterday and I get this text message. “Hey dude, our bunny died. We woke up this morning and he was dead and my wife is pretty upset so I’m going to stay with her.” This is coming from the employee that almost burnt down our warehouse a few months ago. You would think he would be thankful he still has a job and wouldn’t be so eager to take a day off.  SO… after uncontrollably laughing out loud while trying to call him, I decided a text message was the way to go. I couldn’t risk laughing at the fact that he wanted to use a vacation day because his bunny died. So I text him and said to him not to worry, and to make sure his wife was ok. 🙂

Well after taking the day off for a bunny burial the employee is back at work today. Upon coming in and checking to see if he and his wife are okay with the loss of their bunny, we (the office) decided to find out how the bunny died. So here is what we were told…

Apparently rabbits are very susceptible to heart attacks because they get scared easily. So the following assumption was made when the bunny was found dead behind the couch in the morning. Apparently during the night, the bunny hopped up on the couch, then hopped up to the back of the couch. Feeling quite comfortable on the vinyl covered couch, the bunny fell asleep. Apparently during the night he had a bad bunny dream and rolled off the back of the couch. As the bunny fell the 3 feet to the ground, he got scared. Which in turn caused the already weak heart of Mr. Bunny to stop. Then before hitting the ground he suffered from a heart attack. Can you imagine that? Waking up to falling, getting so scared that you suffer a heart attack and die… from a three foot fall? What a tragic end to an otherwise full life of hopping, pooping and eating.

 
I wish I was kidding about the theory of Mr. Bunny’s death, but I’m not. That is what his wife and he have come up with. That is what they believed happened to the bunny. But my favorite quote… (another employee) asked him if he bought his wife a new bunny. Mr. Bunny’s owner said “No. This is a very emotional time for us. You can’t just replace the bunny the day it dies. You need to mourn him first.”
 
WOW! I’ve always thought that something you attempt to hit in a car growing up does not qualify for mourning. Now I didnt grow up with a lot of pets around the house, but I’m pretty sure that if I ever bought a “bunny” I should get laughed at and have my man card revoked. And there is no way I would take a personal day from work to bury and mourn the freaking thing! Find a box. Dig a hole. Put bunny in box. Put box in hole. Put dirt in hole. Done.
 
Does this really require the use of a vacation day?!

Years ago I created a website that only a few of my friends knew about. It was called the “Daily Drama Update” (DDU for short). I would frequently relay the funny stories of my dating life and daily interactions I had with people. Shortly after I had a small following and found it was great way to let others read about how hilarious life can be. Well I have decided that I need to start it back up again, but this time I wont be hiding it. So here it is, the new DDU. I can’t promise that it will be worth reading, but I can promise that it will be truth.